oh henry.

i had a meltdown of sorts yesterday. one that should never have happened, and i'm glad nobody was around to witness (except steven...poor steven. he had to talk to me on the phone mid meltdown. sorry steven). henry was screaming in the car on the way home from the aquarium. i'm talking blood curdling scream...like someone was cutting off his left arm. the 'i cannot handle this for another second' scream. and then i realized that i was lost, and i didn't know where to turn or how to get home or even if i was headed toward my house or away. even if i hadn't gotten lost, i was a good 20 min from my house, and he wasn't about to let up any time soon. i can't look at the map on my phone in new orleans traffic...too dangerous, and too hard. so...long story short, i kinda lost it. not kinda, i really did. and this was all because BEFORE we went to the aquarium, henry refused to sleep. 

so...i need some serious help with my henry. s.e.r.i.o.u.s help. the kid is the worst sleeper on the planet. i spend about 50% of my day trying to get him to sleep, and about 40 % trying to keep thomas quiet enough that he won't wake him up. we've done the cry it out thing a billion times. we use white noise (really loud white noise, mind you). we sing to him and bathe him and do all we can to calm him before he goes down. i try not to let him get over tired. i'm telling you, nothing helps. he will usually go down great...no crying. but after about 15-30 min, he will start screaming. if i let him go...he will go for hours and hours and hours. it's bad. if we do let him cry, i have to leave the house. either that, or i have a big fat meltdown...and it's not a pretty sight. i'm not opposed to the cry it out method, but i'm just a big weenie and i can't take it. so...what do i do? he's nearly 13 months old. he neeeeeds sleep. he is always tired, and always rubbing his eyes like an hour after he wakes up in the morning. sometimes even before that. he clearly needs two naps. actually, i swear he still needs three...but that's probably because he's such a bad sleeper that he's always exhausted. i've read two sleeping books cover to cover...and i swear they are talking about every child EXCEPT MINE. honestly, if henry was my first baby, i would probably be more okay with the whole ordeal. but since i also have thomas running around and being lonely while i spend SO much time trying to help henry sleep, it's really a problem. and this is not a new problem, it's a problem that's been going since henry was about 3 days old. no joke. months ago (when henry was still pretty young, and thomas was just barely three) thomas said something about someone being lonely. i asked him if he knew what lonely meant...and he said 'yeah, it's when you have to play by yourself because they are putting the babies to sleep.' i started crying. the whole sleep issue really makes my life hard. i stress about it every single day. i hate thomas being lonely because i spend so much time fussing over henry's sleeping habits, and i hate that henry is always  tired because he can't seem to get it right. and i really hate that no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to help him figure it out.

if you were a fly on my wall, you would see that i go without showering because i'm afraid henry might wake up and scream when i'm in the shower, and then i would fee so awful. i never dry my hair when he's sleeping because it will likely wake him up. you would see that i text steven and ask him what i should do because henry is screaming and i've already spent an hour trying to get him calmed down enough for a nap. you would see me googling why on earth my one year old can't burp on his own, and wakes up screaming in pain because of it. you would see my poor almost-4-year old watching superman because i've reminded him to be quiet so many times that it's the only solution i can come up with.

do any of my brilliant momma friends have any answers for me? does anyone else's older baby have problems burping? does he have refux or something? or is he just really defiant? it seems like if he was just being a stinker who doesn't want to sleep, he would cry when i first put him in his crib...which he usually doesn't do. and if he does, it only lasts until i close the door. should i just let him cry and cry and cry? my momma heart breaks when he cries, but i will do ANYTHING that will help him sleep in the long run.

p.s. he has been crying on and off the whole time i write this. and he went down for his nap without a hitch about 30 min ago. oh henry.